Friday, 14 August 2009

My Own Personal Stalker

I am walking down the street, just minding my own business, and there she is... that lady.

Later in the day, I am driving my car and there she is again!

That evening at the mall, she's there, right in front of me! And there! And there! And over there!

She's everywhere I turn. She seems to know where I'm going before I even get there. She's one step ahead of me. To the side of me. And behind me. She's freakin' everywhere! That lady... the one with the big, giant, beautiful baby bump. She's stalking me. I know it.

I remember going through this the first time I was trying to conceive. With each failed cycle, each negative hpt, I saw her more and more. It was as if she multiplied exponentially in direct correlation to my grief. The deeper the hole left by my fertility failures, the more sightings per day I would have. By the end, she was everywhere I turned.

Well, she's back at it again. Stalking me. As I try to put my miscarriage behind me and focus on the future, she's there. Laughing at me. Reminding me that I would probably be starting to show by now. Reminding me that I am not preparing for a February birth. Reminding me of my failure.

But, hey, maybe I am looking at this all wrong. Maybe she keeps popping up to remind me of the future, not of the past. Maybe she is a beacon. Maybe she is beckoning me to move forward, to focus on what still might be. Maybe.

But today... I just want to wring her little neck and tell her to leave me alone!

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