Uncross The Criss Cross

If you were holding your breath or crossing your fingers for me, you can stop. The final count...

Old Age - 3
Gwynn   - 0

Maybe it's just that life wants to make sure I experience a little bit of everything. Or maybe I'm just living that old adage "if you have to work hard for what you want, in the end you'll appreciate it more", but I feel like I've been through the wringer. (And no doubt others have been through worse. But damn it, this sucks!)  Other than OHSS, I think that there is very little I have missed out on while sampling the complete IVF Pupu Platter...

IVF #1 - infection from egg retrieval - BFN
IVF #2 - BFP
IVF #3 - miscarriage at 9 weeks
IVF #4 - canceled due to poor response
IVF #5 - 1 beautiful follicle but sadly no freakin' egg!!

I hope this is a lazy susan kind of deal where for IVF #6 we find ourselves back closer to the beginning rather than even further down the road. Sigh. Time to push away from the table and have a good cry before holding my head high and potentially charging ahead toward, hopefully, lucky number 6.

Optimism 101

First off, I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you!! to each of you that left internet warm fuzzies in my comment box on the last post. You guys are the BEST!! And, quite frankly, you are the only reason that I am not shooting myself in the head right now.

And along those lines, there was actually some shooting done last night (and as I mentioned, no need to worry, no heads were involved... only asses this time.) We triggered. Yep, we did. I let my lovely husband stick it to me. He really does love giving me an ol' jab in the ass. (I think he's secretly sad that my clinic doesn't use PIO any more!)

Here's the thinking (and in case you're wondering everyone from my RE to my acupuncturist is on board with this train of thought)...

1. When I conceived my son, I only had 3 embryos. One 6 cell and two 4 cells. It most likely was the 6 cell that took.

2. When I conceived prior to my miscarriage, I only had one embryo. Yet I got pregnant. (Unfortunately it just wasn't the best embryo.)

3. Women my age typically only produce one good egg per cycle.

4. So deductive reasoning would lead us to this... why the heck not give it a go. It seems I usually produce one passable egg and on rare occassions a couple not so passable ones. So, we're basically where we have always been, minus the false hope we sometimes have at the sight of the couple crappy extra ones which show up every now and again.

Tomorrow morning is my retrieval and then if I've got anything to transfer, it'll probably be Thursday. I'm crossin' my fingers, hard, hoping that this one makes it. And I hate to sound needy, but if you've got a couple of spare fingers that you're not doin' anything with on Tuesday/Wednesday, I'd love it you'd cross them for me too.

thanks.

You're The Only One For Me

Sooooo drumroll please....

...ready for the update??

Here it is...

...I have one. One growing follicle. Arg! Other than just being sad, I'm trying to decide if we should continue with egg retrieval, etc. Oh boy. Getting old sucks!

Smack Down

Why? "Why?", I ask myself. I ask myself, "Why?" over and over. Why do I cling to hope? Not in big monumental ways, but little ridiculous ways. Like when I look at a patch of clover, why do I always hope that I'll find the four-leafed one? Why am I surprised in the morning that the laundry elves have not come to my house? Or that the giant zit on my chin hasn't magically disappeared? And why did I think that after seeing 5 antral follicles, that I would have five growing follicles? WHY? I've been through this drill before... 5 antral follicles does not 5 eggs make. Yet I allowed myself to live in a small fantasy world for a few days, and where did that get me? Here. Depressed.

I have 2 follicles growing, and maybe, maybe the barest hint of a third. I'm basically where I was during IVF #3 (only minus 1. And given the limited number we are dealing with here, it's a pretty big one!) So here's the deal... one 7 and one 10 (oh, and one 3 if you're looking really hard for things to count.) Sigh. I think that there is a reason The Doors lyric "This is the end, my friend" was going through my head, as my lovely RE was filling me in on the stats. The nose dive off the cliff of fertility. I'm in free fall, I fear.

But, as my wonderful husband reminded me, it truly does only take one. So, hopefully we'll at least end up with one. A good one. A strong one. And this time, a genetically sound one. (I just usually like to hedge my bets a little more.)

WHEEEEEEEEE!!!

We are good to go!!! I started the MDL yesterday and I begin the stims tomorrow. Every time I start a cycle, the part leading up to the stims, is like the long, slow ride up to the top of the first really big hill on a rollercoaster. You know, where you are filled with nervous anticipation and a teensy bit of fear. You watch as you move closer and closer to the top, awaiting the rush you get as you freefall down the opposite side of the hill. I am so ready to be racing toward the bottom of the first hill (and for the inevitable ups and downs of the smaller hills to follow.)

Last cycle (the cancelled one) I had absolutely no side effects from anything. No headaches. No tiredness. No sore boobs. Nothing. This time I am happy (well, maybe happy is not quite the right word) to announce that I feel like my head is cracking open, my face is peeling off and I have blood gushing out my ears! YeeeeeeOW!!! I don't remember EVER having a Lupron headache like this one. (This is good news, right??! Man, I hope I'm enduring this pain for a good reason.) And, I simply can't remember (although I am not sure if I ever knew, or if the pain is giving me early alzheimers) if you are not supposed to take Ex.ced.rine while stimming or is it that you are not supposed to take it during the ttw. Anyone out there know? I'm desperate! Ty.leno.l ain't doin' it. Help!

Outside of the debilitating pain, I'm about as excited as I allow myself to get about getting another shot at this. Tomorrow I add 225 of Follistim AM and PM and 1 Menopur once a day. And then on Tuesday, we'll see if more than just one follicle has decided to come to the dance this time around. (I have about 5 antral follicles. Same as last time and the time before that. So, I think that's now my norm.) As of tomorrow morning, I shall begin the endless chant of, "Grow little follicles! Grow!!" Sure, I know I'll get some strange looks from passersby and probably my clients as well, but, hey, chanting is supposed to help channel the power of the universe and right now I'm up for any help I can get! So, if you happen to pass a weird chanting woman on the streets of LA, don't feel shy about saying, "Hi!" (If you're not too embarrassed that is.)

Anticipation

I just got back from Chicago.

It was beautiful.

I hope that my ultrasound tomorrow morning will be beautiful too.

Spots!

OMG, I've got them! Everywhere. All along my hairline. Down along my chin. Behind my ears. On my back. On my chest. Lumpy, bumpy white heads! And red, swollen cysts. Yuck! Some are painful, some are itchy and some are just plain unsightly. I haven't had to deal with anything like this in quite a few years. I had forgotten how horrible it could be.

I was one of those people who never saw a zit in high school. Don't hate me yet... wait for it... but I got cystic acne at 21 and I have had it ever since! I think that 20 years of cystic acne is far worse than a couple years of teenage zits. Right? Right?! Can I hear an amen?! Since I had so many, many, many years to try and find a cure for it, I tried everything but nothing worked. Well, until I discovered IVF that is. Oh Lupron, you might mean headaches for some but to me you are a cyst fighting superhero!! I could wax poetic about you all day.

As soon as I started my first round of Lupron my acne cleared up. Amazing!! And then all my pregnancy hormones kept it at bay for another year and a half. Over the last few months, I had started to notice a cyst here and there, but now they back with a vengeance. I don't know if it is the residual effects of the DHEA or the bcp's. I don't remember ever getting zits from bcp's before. In fact one of my dermatologists put me on bcp's to try and calm it down years ago. Hmmm... Do people usually get zits from bcp's?? Anyway I have cysts and zits everywhere and I can't wait to get to the Lupron. Bring on the injections! Let's kick some zit-ass!!!

I mean, I'm 42 2/3 for heaven's sake! I shouldn't still be battling acne, right??! I'll try and take some small bit of comfort in something that The Infertile Breeder once said to me...

If you're are still getting breakouts, you're probably still fertile.

Man, I hope that's the case because I'm old enough to have a teenager but I definitely don't want to be one again.... unless of course, it gets me what I really want. If the trade off is zits for a baby, I'll take it any day!!