I just created this blog. And now I sit. Thinking. What did I just do?
I have another blog which I love dearly. But it's a mommy blog about my son and there are other things I have a need to talk about. My son was hard won and not a day goes by that I don't revel in his existence. In the fact that science was able to triumph over nature. In the fact that science figured out a way to solve the problem of how to get my ancient (40 3/4 year old) eggs to live up to their potential. To fulfill their purpose. To achieve the only goal that they were put on this earth to achieve.
And, I don't know, maybe it wasn't just science. I did pray very, very hard. First I prayed that I'd get pregnant and then (after all the crazy diagnoses) during my pregnancy I prayed that my son would be ok. Would have a shot at leading a, most importantly, happy and, possibly, productive life. And in the end, it all worked out. Was it just science that made that happen? Who knows.
So here I am again. Being greedy. Asking, praying, for a second miracle. Should I be ashamed? Maybe. Maybe not.
I need to sort that out. It's something I'm struggling with.
So, I created this blog. A place away from my other thoughts where I can work through this. For myself.. and for my family. I need to figure out what that family is. What comprises it. What I can be happy with. What I need. And what I can realistically expect.
I was reading Mel's blog the other night. She was at BlogHer musing about why people write blogs. When it is that you blog the most. And she wrote that "when a blogger gets under stress, that's when people blog more. Connect more." I'm not sure that's true for me. I love writing silly little anecdotes about my life during all of the happy, carefree times. But I, definitely, have a need. A need to write about, to sort through, what is going on in my life right now. And maybe, subconsciously, I do have a need to connect.
I kept my struggles to conceive my son very private. And it was hard. Mentally hard. Physically hard. And, without a doubt, emotionally hard. I am still not sure how much connecting I will do with this site, but it is comforting to know I that I have a place. That my thoughts have place. That my struggle, in mind my and with my body, has place... a home. And that my need has a place to be filled.
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Let's get to know each other...
My name is Gwynn and I waited until 39 1/2 (stupid, stupid girl!) to finally decide that I might want children. I didn't completely understand the whole "your fertility takes a giant dump after 36" thing until we'd been trying for several months and I decided to do a little research. WOW! Talk about an eye-opener.
So, we jumped into IVF (realizing my days were numbered to try to conceive with my own eggs) and, at 40, did 2 cycles. The first was BFN (because I got a terrible infection from the retrieval) and the second was BFP! The result was our beautiful son.
Being the greedy person I can sometimes be, I recently tried for another child. One IVF cycle. One retrieval. And this time, just one embryo. So after an anxiety-filled couple days, we did a 2 cell 2 day transfer, prayed hard, and were blessed with a BFP! But unfortunately, I didn't win the over 40 genetic lottery. We knew something was wrong pretty early on. The baby's growth was slow. It's heartbeat was slow. My hormone levels were low. But it was too early in the pregnancy to do a CVS test or even to see the baby clearly enough to try to figure out what was going on. So we waited. And waited. For weeks and weeks. Checking every three days to see if the heart had stopped beating. And at 9 weeks it did. The waiting and the emotional aftermath was one of the most horrible experiences of my life.
Currently I'm wrestling with whether to try again. If I do, it will most likely be my last shot. In January '10 I will turn 43 and at that point the odds of me getting pregnant, with my own eggs, will be about 2%. I know, I know... my fault. I really did come to the party a little too late.
So here I am. Trying to sort it all out.
So, we jumped into IVF (realizing my days were numbered to try to conceive with my own eggs) and, at 40, did 2 cycles. The first was BFN (because I got a terrible infection from the retrieval) and the second was BFP! The result was our beautiful son.
Being the greedy person I can sometimes be, I recently tried for another child. One IVF cycle. One retrieval. And this time, just one embryo. So after an anxiety-filled couple days, we did a 2 cell 2 day transfer, prayed hard, and were blessed with a BFP! But unfortunately, I didn't win the over 40 genetic lottery. We knew something was wrong pretty early on. The baby's growth was slow. It's heartbeat was slow. My hormone levels were low. But it was too early in the pregnancy to do a CVS test or even to see the baby clearly enough to try to figure out what was going on. So we waited. And waited. For weeks and weeks. Checking every three days to see if the heart had stopped beating. And at 9 weeks it did. The waiting and the emotional aftermath was one of the most horrible experiences of my life.
Currently I'm wrestling with whether to try again. If I do, it will most likely be my last shot. In January '10 I will turn 43 and at that point the odds of me getting pregnant, with my own eggs, will be about 2%. I know, I know... my fault. I really did come to the party a little too late.
So here I am. Trying to sort it all out.
Thanks so much for sharing this...Mark and I have been trying to conceive for awhile now, with no success. We are currently seeing a fertility specialist. You are certainly not greedy for wanting more children, in fact, there is nothing more unselfish than raising up a child. Praying for you guys as you are making decisions. I know how emotionally draining it all is!
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