Why? "Why?", I ask myself. I ask myself, "Why?" over and over. Why do I cling to hope? Not in big monumental ways, but little ridiculous ways. Like when I look at a patch of clover, why do I always hope that I'll find the four-leafed one? Why am I surprised in the morning that the laundry elves have not come to my house? Or that the giant zit on my chin hasn't magically disappeared? And why did I think that after seeing 5 antral follicles, that I would have five growing follicles? WHY? I've been through this drill before... 5 antral follicles does not 5 eggs make. Yet I allowed myself to live in a small fantasy world for a few days, and where did that get me? Here. Depressed.
I have 2 follicles growing, and maybe, maybe the barest hint of a third. I'm basically where I was during IVF #3 (only minus 1. And given the limited number we are dealing with here, it's a pretty big one!) So here's the deal... one 7 and one 10 (oh, and one 3 if you're looking really hard for things to count.) Sigh. I think that there is a reason The Doors lyric "This is the end, my friend" was going through my head, as my lovely RE was filling me in on the stats. The nose dive off the cliff of fertility. I'm in free fall, I fear.
But, as my wonderful husband reminded me, it truly does only take one. So, hopefully we'll at least end up with one. A good one. A strong one. And this time, a genetically sound one. (I just usually like to hedge my bets a little more.)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
We hope because...that's all we have sometimes. And as we know all to well, hope is both awesome and sucktacular. I hope you have some Miracle Growers the next time you get the wand...and if not, well, lets hope that the ones there are perfect and do their thing the way they should.
ReplyDeleteAs for the zit...I too hope that the clearasil I put on it at night will make it vanish by dawn. (yep. still using clearasil. shoulda bought some stock in it when I was 13). Now that acup has me taking dhea...I've sprouted what looks like a mountain range on my chin. And the hurty kind, too. Sigh.
Will keep following to hear how the follicles grow.
xo
C (you know, from iveffed. just made a google account so I can comment on more blogs...)